


The Left-Hand Path

by samvelg



Series: Sith Tattoo Verse [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Jedi Apprentice Series - Jude Watson & Dave Wolverton
Genre: AU of an AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Because of Reasons, Gen, My kink is emotional literacy, Rituals, Sith, Sith Obi-Wan, Sith Qui-Gon, Sith Shenanigans, Sith tattoos, Tattoos, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2018-11-03 16:53:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10971414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samvelg/pseuds/samvelg
Summary: Obi-Wan always thought he had to be a Jedi in order to be a good person. But just when he thought his dreams were out of his reach an encounter with a very unconventional Jedi Master, who actually wasn't a Jedi Master at all, gave him a new perspective on just what it meant to serve and protect the people of the Republic at any cost.Now the Sith Apprentice of Qui-Gon Jinn, the two of them travel around the galaxy helping people and keeping their true nature a secret from the Jedi Order. Being a Sith is nothing like what he expected, and the deeper he goes the more he discovers his chosen path is a lot stranger and more beautiful than he ever could have imagined.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Start of the Line](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3810622) by [dogmatix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogmatix/pseuds/dogmatix), [norcumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/norcumi/pseuds/norcumi). 



> This little project happened because of two reasons, the first of which being there's a truly fantastic series here on AO3 by Norcumi and Dogmatix called 'Through a Mirror Darkly' which I can't recommend enough (seriously go read it if you haven't, I'll wait) where the basic idea is that Dooku became a Sith a lot earlier than in canon, and trained Qui-Gon as a Sith as well. So when it comes to That Incident On Bandomeer Qui-Gon ends up taking Obi-Wan as his Sith Apprentice, not as a Jedi Padawan, and then Shenanigans Ensue.
> 
> The second reason is that while scrolling Tumblr far too late at night I saw these:  
> ( http://norcumi.tumblr.com/post/157444555539/i-know-its-really-stupid-but-i-have-a-cracky  
> http://norcumi.tumblr.com/post/157596040334/hi-i-had-more-thoughts-on-cracky-cross-over )  
> really awesome cross-over submission for Sith!Qui-Gon and Baby!Sith!Obi-Wan going back in time to the SWTOR era and generally rocking around the galaxy for a while kicking ass, taking names, and getting sweet Sith tattoos everywhere.
> 
> I'm a super huge fan of Sith!Obi-Wan and all that implies, and the combination of that and badass ritual tattoos just made my head explode with plot bunnies, which Norcumi was kind enough to give me permission to play with so here I am. 
> 
> This won't be touching the plot of time travel in the cross-over submission, or the plot of TaMD as they're doing a great job at that and need none of my input, but instead it's going to look into the philosophy and psychology of living as Sith under the noses of the Jedi pre-TPM, and a whooole lot about Sith ritual practices, because why the hell not. I have also started on a retelling of the Prequels set later on in the same universe which I'm super excited about and will be posting eventually.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is currently unbeta'd, and I haven't written fanfic in probably about 10+ years, so any mistakes are both entirely expected and entirely my own.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would always remember the first time he saw his Master's tattoos.

On the outside he was every inch the proper, if slightly eccentric, Jedi Master, but under the various layers of linen and raw silk of his robes his skin told another story entirely.

It was nearly a month into Obi-Wan's Apprenticeship, nearly a whole month since he'd somehow talked his way out of being sent to the Agri-Corps by convincing Master Qui-Gon to train him as a Sith. He still woke up some days hardly believing what his life had become, and alternating wildly between extreme guilt and dizzy excitement at his choices.

It didn't help that Qui-Gon was clearly feeling exactly the same, and even told him so. Still used to the Jedi way of thinking and defensive from his expulsion from the Temple he'd initially been dismayed, thinking his Master was second-guessing his decision to train him, and instinctively tried to conceal his fears.

But Qui-Gon had just smiled, and reminded him that they weren't Jedi, and that there was no need to hide or suppress how he was feeling from his Master. The idea that his emotions were valid and important was still strange to a boy who had spent his whole life in the Jedi Temple, but Qui-Gon was very insistent that as a Sith his feelings were very important and would make him strong, but only if he faced and conquered them.

So when taking refuge in an abandoned building after negotiations between the planetary government of Rythion Prime and their Commerce Guild had broken down in spectacular fashion, he didn't think to try and hide the immediate fascination he felt when he saw his Master's heavily inked upper body.

It probably wasn't the most appropriate time to stop and gawk, especially considering he was supposed to be patching up the burns on his Master's back from the explosion they'd both narrowly escaped. He was also vaguely aware that the sheer number of scars of dubious origin should probably be more cause for concern or comment, but the intricate black patterns seemed to have a deep power all their own that was captivating to the boy.

At first they seemed like a forest of wickedly curved lines and shapes, arching over his shoulders, back and upper arms like thornvines, but at second glance there was an order and regularity to them which made Obi-Wan wonder if they weren't at least partially a language of some sort, even if it was one he didn't recognize.

Qui-Gon must have noticed the long pause in Obi-Wan's movements after he removed his inner tunic, because he turned around to look at him and raised a weary eyebrow.

"Is everything alright Apprentice?" He asked, upper body twisted just enough to reveal a glimpse of more of the elaborate markings on his front.

"O-of course Master." Obi-Wan stuttered, flushing lightly as he resumed digging around in his belt pouch for first aid supplies.

Blinking quizzically, Qui-Gon looked down at himself before relaxing with a knowing smile. "I suppose this is your first time seeing my tattoos, isn't it?" He asked as Obi-Wan started cleaning his wound with antiseptic.

"Yes, my Master." He admitted, trying harder not to stare. "I've seen Jedi with tattoos before, but never so many. And none quite like yours."

Qui-Gon laughed at that. "I should hope not, my young Apprentice. These are Sith ritual tattoos, the _Vhenen Dor Pikar'Tyem Vad'Kaar_ , which roughly translates as 'dreaded truth gained through endured pain'. They are representations of my Trials and my Mastery as a Sith, as well as invocations for knowledge, strength and passion."

Obi-Wan couldn't believe it. He knew that his Master was well respected as a very wise and accomplished Jedi Master, but it turned out he must also be a very powerful Sith Lord as well if the sheer amount of tattoos were anything to go by.

"That's amazing." He breathed. "So it's kind of like how Padawans can get different coloured beads in their braids for achievements, only more complex?

"That is a good way of looking at it." Qui-Gon agreed. "Ritual tattoos used to actually be fairly common among the Jedi many thousands of years ago, but during the last war against the Sith Empire it fell out of favour because it was seen as too Dark a practice."

He scrunched up his nose as he continued to work on his Master's back. "Did the old Jedi really stop doing something they'd done for ages just because the Sith were doing something similar? That's pretty stupid."

"It was a bit reactionary yes, but in the end they were at war. War is very serious Obi-Wan, and can have a very profound effect on the psyches of the sentients involved."

"Even the Jedi, Master?"

Qui-Gon nodded. "In some case especially the Jedi, my Apprentice. Subduing your emotions when the galaxy is relatively at peace is one thing, but trying to release your hate and anger and fear to the Force while you're watching the people around you suffer and die every day? That's another thing entirely. It's why the Sith were so dangerous to the Jedi Order and the Old Republic, not because they were necessarily stronger than the Jedi, but because they were able to enhance their strength with their emotions. While in the meantime, the Jedi were using up so much of their energy just to keep their feelings suppressed and controlled."

Obi-Wan hummed thoughtfully. "That really isn't efficient, is it Master?" He said after a while.

There was a soft huff of laughter as Obi-Wan finished bandaging up his Master.

"No Apprentice, it is not."


	2. Apocrypha and blankets.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan learns more about his Master's Apprenticeship, and how he got his Sith ritual tattoos.

The second time Obi-Wan saw Qui-Gon's tattoos, they were sitting wrapped in blankets in the guest quarters they'd been assigned on a neutrally aligned orbital mining station in the Gorse system, and waiting for their clothes to dry.

A quick diplomatic mission that should have taken a day or two at most, had turned into over a week of tense negotiations and attacks that they were woefully unprepared for. Thankfully the new treaty over the distribution of thorilide mining rights was due to be signed tomorrow, but that meant they needed to be presentable representatives of the Jedi Order.

Certainly not covered in mine dust and singed by secondhand blaster fire.

While they waited for the cleaning droids to return their cleaned and mended robes, Qui-Gon was explaining some of the finer points of the local political system that had come up during the day's discussions. Obi-Wan was sitting across from him on his own bunk and listening very carefully, while trying hard not to stare at the lines of black ink visible where his Master's foot poked out of his blanket.

As usual Qui-Gon wasn't fooled for long though, and raised an eyebrow at his Apprentice. "You know if you ever have any questions you are welcome to ask them Obi-Wan. As your Master it is my duty and my privilege to educate you in any way that I can."

Obi-Wan looked at the floor, embarrassed but smiling at the feeling of his Master's amusement coming across their training bond. "It's your _Vad'Kaar_  tattoos Master. I guess I just didn't realise there were so many."

The older man chuckled. "There is quite a lot isn't there?" He met Obi-Wan's eyes with a considering look. "Would you like to see them properly?"

Trying and failing to not look too eager, Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes, my Master."

Qui-Gon nodded then stood up, leaving the blanket behind on his bunk and moving to the centre of the room. Without the blanket he was only wearing his undershorts, leaving the rest of his skin bare to the cool recycled air.

Eyes wide, Obi-Wan stood up and stepped closer to get a better look. The newly revealed ink stretched all over his torso and down his long legs to his feet. The only parts of his body he could see without at least some small designs were his forearms, hands, neck and face.

"They're beautiful." He breathed.

As a Jedi Initiate he could never have imagined that the Dark Side could lead to anything quite like this, and even as a new Sith Apprentice most of what he'd been exposed to so far was new forms of meditation, shielding practice, and lots of talking about feelings. An almost disconcerting amount of talking about their feelings. So the idea of the path he was on leading to something this mysterious was very exciting.

"Do they really all mean something different?"

Turning slowly so Obi-Wan could see the ones on his side and back, his Master nodded. "Yes they do, my young Apprentice."

He pointed down to the nearly matching set of symbols on the backs of his ankles. "These indicate that I spent time on Korriban, learning of our legacy of power from the ancient Sith spirits who still inhabit their tombs in the Valley of the Dark Lords. Those specific glyphs show that I learned from XoXaan and Tulak Hord, and their positioning near my feet but on the back of my body is because the past is our foundation, but should always be behind us."

Obi-Wan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Every child in the Jedi creche grew up hearing tales told by the older Initiates of the wars between the Jedi and the Sith, and no telling was complete without hearing the chilling stories of the haunted Sith homeworld of Korriban.

Not only had his Master gone there and survived, but he'd spent time with two of the most terrifying Sith Obi-Wan had ever heard of, and even learned from them.

"That's incredible." He blurted out, unable to contain himself and longer. He pointed to the biggest single tattoo, a large sweeping shape in the centre of his Master's chest with smaller shapes and symbols radiating it off it like a star. "What does that one mean?"

Qui-Gon smiled, tracing the dark lines with fondness. "This one is very special Apprentice. The central design is _Hyal Ashaatul_. It symbolishes the desire for victory which is intrinsic to all Sith and indicates the undertaking of my Sith Trials, the equivalent of a Jedi's Trial of Knighthood. The _Daren'shâsot_ glyphs surrounding it show the nature of my tasks, and the _Dinora'en_ mark at the very centre shows that I completed them all. Together they say that I have finished my Trials, and am worthy to hold the title of Sith Lord."

Obi-Wan grinned up at him. "Does that mean when I go through my Sith Trials I can get tattoos as well Master?"

He could easily see his Master's surprise. "I honestly didn't expect you to find them that interesting." He confessed. "It was never my intention to make the _Vad'Kaar_ a mandatory part of your Apprenticeship, and you don't necessarily need them to be a Sith. Force knows Dooku doesn't have any."

Obi-Wan blinked. "Master Dooku doesn't like the _Vad'Kaar_?"

That was interesting. He had already pieced together that Qui-Gon's Master must have been a lot less kind to him than Qui-Gon was to Obi-Wan, but he was always surprised to hear the lingering bitterness in his voice when he came up.

Shaking his head, Qui-Gon picked up his blanket and wrapped himself in it again to ward off the chill in the room. "It's not that he actively disliked them, he just thought they were pointless and a bit risky."

That did make a bit of sense, and raised another very relevant question. "How have you managed to keep your secret all these years then, when you're literally walking around the Jedi Temple covered in Sith symbols?"

Gui-Gon huffed a laugh. "The upside of my Master's reputation as the Jedi Order's premier Sith researcher, and also a one-time Council member, is that he has access to the Restricted Archives which contain the entirety of the Order's knowledge on the Sith. Not only has it been roughly a thousand years since the last time the Sith were active, it's a relatively unpopular field of study since most Jedi seem to labour under the misunderstanding that a single glimpse at the Dark Side will cause them to immediately Fall and go on a killing spree."

Obi-Wan snickered. It wasn't so long ago that he's been of the same opinion, but as he was learning it was a lot harder to Fall than the Order as a whole seemed to think. Sith hells, it had been months and he hadn't been able to make his eyes change colour yet!

"This also means that we know exactly what the Order has records of and what it doesn't." Qui-Gon continued. "Over the years Dooku has even quietly removed a few pieces of particularly incriminating information, or taken the opportunity to 'update' the Archives and subtly altered things to actually be less useful. For instance, the two main Sith languages themselves are well documented so none of the tattoos include those, but there is a lot less of the more highly ritualised manuscripts in the Archives, so they're pretty safe. It also helps that traditional Jedi robes are very modest, and since I have avoided getting any tattoos in highly visible places the only people who generally see them are the Healers if I'm very badly injured and sent back to the Temple. And to my knowledge there are no Healers who also study Sith lore."

"Has no one ever commented on them then?" Obi-Wan asked, still finding it nothing short of a minor Force-blessed miracle that a heavily tattooed Sith Lord in his 50s could have spent his entire adulthood seamlessly passing for a Jedi, and a Master at that.

"A few have but a lot of sentients have tattoos for cultural reasons, even Jedi, so it's easily explained away. I also make sure to do what I can to avoid any attention from the Shadows. They're a lot more knowledgeable about the Dark Side than most Jedi, but there's so few of them these days that it's never been an issue. Remember that we are hiding in plain sight my Apprentice, which is the very best place to be. As long as we are diligent, they have no reason to suspect us at all."

Discussing the Shadows, the official Sith-hunters of the Jedi, made something occurred to Obi-Wan. "Master, are there other Sith apart from us and Master Dooku?"

Qui-Gon looked thoughtful. "I'm honestly not sure Apprentice. I have never seen evidence of any myself, and if Dooku knows of any he hasn't shared that knowledge with me. I expect there is, though we will probably never know for sure either way. The last publicly acknowledged Sith were Darth Bane and his Apprentice, Darth Zannah. It was thought they perished not long after the Ruusan Reformation, but it is entirely possible their Lineage survived in secret."

"So then I suppose if I ever see anyone else with _Vad'Kaar_ tattoos I should tell you immediately, shouldn't I Master?" Obi-Wan said with an innocent look.

The older man laughed out loud at that. "Yes Apprentice, I think that would probably be very wise."

Still curious, Obi wan thought back on one of his earlier questions. "When did you start to get your tattoos then if it wasn't through Master Dooku?"

"I came across the practice during the course of my studies when I was in my mid-teens, and I suppose it was a subtle form of rebellion against my Master." His lips quirked in memory. "As much as he didn't like the practice, he couldn't exactly forbid it when I was showing initiative and commitment to the Dark Side. Especially since the first few tattoos I did myself after he brushed off my initial interest. I was punished of course, but in the end defiance and subterfuge were traits that he actively encouraged, so after more kept showing up he eventually had to allow it."

The amusing image of a young Qui-Gon annoying the terrifyingly inscrutable Master Dooku with quietly multiplying tattoos aside, Obi-Wan made a connection in what he was hearing. "Does that mean I don't have to wait until my Trials to get my own Sith tattoos? There are some I can get as an Apprentice?"

This seemed to particularly surprise his Master, though he was also clearly pleased with his enthusiasm. "Of course Obi-Wan. There are actually specific tattoos that a Sith Apprentice would traditionally get at the beginning of their Apprenticeship, as well as some for various milestones, events and achievements in the lead-up to their Trials."

His heart sank a little. "Then why didn't you tell me about them when you first agreed to train me Master?" He asked. "Didn't I earn them? Or do you have doubts about my commitment to the path of the Sith?"

Qui-Gon put a hand on his shoulder and pulled him down to sit next to him on his bunk so they could face each other properly.

"Nothing could be further from the truth, my Apprentice." He assured him, hand still warm on his shoulder. "In the first few months you were adjusting to a very big change in your life. Your emotional well-being took precedence over an old tradition that I had no intention of forcing you to follow if it wasn't something that interested you."

Obi-Wan nodded, feeling better after hearing the reasoning behind his Master's actions. So many of the Jedi Masters he'd known had never taken the time to sit down and explain things like Qui-Gon did, and it occurred to him not for the first or last time the irony that a Sith Lord was better at being a Jedi than a lot of the Jedi he'd met.

"Then thank you for being so patient with me Master." He said, giving him a small seated bow. "I'm definitely interested though. If it's ok Master, I'd really like to get _Vad'Kaar_ tattoos just like you."

The pleased surprise he felt through the Force from his Master changed to soft affection as a gentle but wide smile crossed Qui-Gon's usually calm face.

"Then, my young Apprentice, it would be my honour to give you your first tattoo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sith language notes:
> 
> Vhenen Dor Pikar'Tyem Vad'Kaar - Sith ritual tattoos. Translated literally it means 'to endure through pain to gain dreaded truth'. Usually shortened to Vad'Kaar.
> 
> Hyal Ashaatul - To crave victory. The -atul at the end gives the implication of this being the only possible thing someone could want.
> 
> Daren'shâsot - To accept struggle/passion. In this context, it indicates difficult challenges willingly accepted.
> 
> Dinora'en - To be done/to finish. In conjunction with the other tattoos is signifies completion.


	3. The fires find a home in me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another shuttle, another discussion. Obi-Wan is learning what it means to live the contradiction of being a Sith who is loyal to the Jedi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got no set update schedule right now, so enjoy the regular updates while I edit and post the backlog of chapters I've got written up. This is the first fic I've ever posted so any feedback is greatly appreciated, so if there's something you'd really like to see be explored then I'd love to hear about it! :)

The weeks following Qui-Gon's promise to tattoo him passed quickly. As soon as their mission was complete and they returned to the Temple, his Master had dug a large lockbox stuffed full of memory chips and datapads out of the back of his closet.

"These were all my learning materials when I was an Apprentice." He'd said, lip twitching at the dismayed expression on Obi-Wan's face.

"I have to read all of these?" He'd asked faintly, thoroughly intimidated by the huge accumulation of Sith knowledge sitting on their kitchen table, and idly wondering how quickly they'd be executed if caught with it without an especially creative excuse.

"Indeed you shall Apprentice." Qui-Gon had replied, seemingly unconcerned about his Apprentice's quiet apprehension. "In addition to your standard Padawan theory and practical curriculums, and any specialised elective fields you choose to pursue for higher learning once you're recognised by the Council as a Senior Padawan. I've also got a small collection of original lore books and holocrons in another, heavily shielded box, though they are only to be used while we are away from the Temple due to the obvious Darkness of their Force signatures."

Obi-Wan's stomach had been in the vicinity of his knees, and he'd quietly mourned the free time and sleep he'd clearly never have ever again.

"Don't worry Obi-Wan." His Master had said with a wink. "I'm well aware that our time together will be a bit longer than that of a standard Jedi Master/Padawan pair. There's nothing worth doing that isn't worth doing properly, and your education is far too important to me for it to be rushed."

The warmth that had flooded through him at that had taken the edge off what his Master had said next. In hindsight that had probably been the intention, because apparently he wasn't going to be getting any tattoos at all until he'd read the entire datapad of _Vad'Kaar_ manuscripts that Qui-Gon had compiled over the years. Apparently this was because his Master felt it was important he knew exactly what he would be getting inserted into his skin before he could properly consent to it, which did sound very reasonable.

But there was also the small matter that the entire datapad was written in High Sith, which he would have to translate to be able to read at all.

Obi-Wan had only started learning Common Sith a few weeks beforehand, and he'd never been more grateful for his high aptitude for languages. Common Sith was enough of a mess of harsh consonants and alethic verbs that only really made sense if you already had a good grasp of Sith philosophy and culture. But High Sith, the ecclesiastical language of ritual manuscripts and spellbooks with the specialised alphabet known as the Kittât, was another beast entirely.

Hells, he was going to have to learn Common Sith just to have the framework to even begin to get his head around Kittât.

It didn't help that he was under strict instructions to put his Temple-assigned coursework first, and could only work on the specially encrypted datapads in their locked quarters, or during the rare stints of privacy and downtime they got while away on missions. After another two months had passed and he'd only made the smallest amount of progress through the translation he was about ready to tear his hair out. Qui-Gon had reassured him that he was actually getting through it a lot faster than he'd expected, and not to let himself be ruled by impatience.

"I though as Sith we're supposed to bend the Force and the galaxy to our will." He grumbled from his inelegant sprawl on yet another bunk in yet another too-small Republic issued shuttle, hurtling down the Hydian Way at hyperspeed to sort out yet another border dispute in the Mid Rim. Couldn't any of these blasted systems just leave their neighbours in peace for five minutes so he could get this done?

He was 13 by now, had been a Sith Apprentice for over half a year, and he was certain if he spent another minute trying to conjugate the paragraph detailing the process to earning the Sigil of Righteous Torment he was going to vent the datapad out an airlock. Especially as it was looking like the process itself was a brutally specific method of torturing traitors and unsuccessful usurpers to death. It was very insistent on the unsuccessful bit, since according to most of the old Sith successful usurping was kind of a required skill for being a Sith at all.

Qui-Gon was sitting calmly on the floor in full lotus, and looking far too peaceful for someone currently engaged in Sith meditation exercises. Even through his own irritation Obi-Wan could feel his skin prickle from the rolling waves of Darkness originating from the other side of the room, somehow feeling simultaneously hot and cold. Kind of like if a forest fire on a snow planet was angry at you.

"The Sith Code states we are supposed to embrace our passions Apprentice." He replied serenely. "Nowhere does it say we are to be ruled by them."

Obi-Wan huffed in annoyance, scowling at the ceiling.

"We might disagree with the Jedi when it comes to the wisdom of denying our emotions, but mastery of the self is a vital skill for any Force-user. For those of us who use the Dark Side it's especially important so that we don't drown in our own power. Many of the Sith who caused the greatest carnage and devastation didn't start out with intentional malice, but ended up as they did because they lost control of their passions and were controlled by them in turn."

Obi-Wan turned that bit of information over in his head thoughtfully, appreciating that his Master gave him a moment to think things over. "I guess that explains how we can be Sith and be so different from the Sith you hear about in the stories."

The older man nodded, eyes still closed. "Being a Sith doesn't automatically make you want to kill sentients and conquer empires Apprentice. Rather, it gives you the power and drive to achieve your goals at any cost, whatever those goals may be. It just happens that our goal is protecting the Republic instead of overthrowing it, though that doesn't mean we are any less ruthless in our pursuit of it."

The companionable silence returned as Obi-Wan continued to think.

By now he had felt the first touches of corruption that accompanied use of the Dark Side if you weren't prepared for it. Not long ago while assigned to protect an especially kind young planetary ruler during a civil uprising, he'd been separated from his Master. His anger at the would-be assassins that had come for them had flooded through him, and his eyes had burned yellow for the first time. It had given him the strength to chase and overpower two much larger, older opponents, but had caused him to lose control and kill the men instead of apprehending them for questioning like he was supposed to.

By the time Qui-Gon had found him in the forest surrounding the palace having arrested the rest of the assassins, Obi-Wan was screaming and hacking a tree to pieces with his lightsaber so he didn't keep doing it to the already dismembered bodies at his feet.

Despite how much he had been crying he had still clearly seen the look of stunned horror on his Master's face at the sight of his young Apprentice, covered in blood and with caustic red-ringed amber blazing in his eyes, as he howled his agony to the sky so violently that tiny sparks of electricity had rolled over his exposed skin.

The next thing he knew Qui-Gon was striding across the clearing, yanking the lightsaber out of his hands and extinguishing it. Ignoring the lightning that must have been stinging him, he had pulled the boy into his arms and held him so tightly he nearly couldn't breathe. They'd sunk to their knees amidst the carnage, clutching each other tightly as they'd cried and Qui-Gon had whispered how proud he was of him into his hair.

Later, when his Master had helped him through some meditation to corral his emotions, that had also been the first lesson he'd had in how to dispose of bodies and explain away undesired bloodshed in Council reports. Apparently the answer, as with many things he was discovering lately, lay in using Force Suggestion on the local authorities and the judicious application of fire.

Thinking again of that bittersweet feeling of his hate and anger building up inside him, as though it came from a bottomless well he'd never even known was there, he felt scared. "Master, what if one day I go too far and I hurt people?"

At this Qui-Gon's eyes snapped open, and a wave of bone deep shame and sadness swept through their training bond.

"You will hurt people Obi-Wan." He said with terrible gentleness. "To be a Sith is not a peaceful life. You will take lives even as you risk your own, and you will hurt others just as you will be hurt yourself. It will be lonely, full of lies, secrecy, self-doubt, and pain, and you will forever question every choice you make."

Obi-Wan's eyes were wide and slowly filling with tears, datapad completely forgotten. Seeing and feeling his Apprentice's distress Qui-Gon quickly stood up and moved to sit next to him, opening his arms up in invitation. Sniffling, Obi-Wan sat up properly and buried his face in his Master's tunic. The feeling of those big arms around him, one hand in his hair, grounded him just as it had while he'd wept over the men he'd killed so viciously.

He had known what he was getting into when he became Qui-Gon's Apprentice, and even as a field Jedi he knew he would have been in the position of taking lives for the greater good, but sometimes the harsh reality of the world outside the Temple still took him by surprise. Especially since the Temple wasn't safe for him anymore, not really.

It was slowly sinking in that he was going to spend the rest of his life lying to the people around him about who he really was in order to avoid certain death himself.

"I am so sorry I did this to you Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon whispered hoarsely, so softly he barely heard it.

"No!" He sobbed, clenching his fists in Qui-Gon's tunic. "You didn't force me into this Master, I chose it. And I won't change my mind. We might be Dark and w-we might be alone, but we're still going to-to help people."

"Yes we are Apprentice." The older man promised. "It doesn't matter what side of the Force you use, as long as you use it in the service of others. I've known Jedi Masters with less compassion than you Obi-Wan, and that is what's important. Even though you will one day do bad things just as I have, I want you to always remember who you will do them for. We will be the necessary evil who protect the innocent, always."

Safe in his Master's arms and feeling the depth of his conviction running through their bond, he managed to take a deep breath and slowly stop his tears. A strange mixture of peaceful acceptance and muted grief washed through him. Taking another deep breath he raised his head and looked up at his Master's kind face.

"Necessary evil?" He asked with a small, crooked smile. "I guess I can do that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I totes made a sideblog to post inspiration, chapter updates and writing snippets, check it out ^^  
> https://darksidepride.tumblr.com/


	4. The wishes I've made are too vicious to tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan is progressing well on his path to be a Sith, and learns more about how victory and loss can intertwine in the most horrific and beautiful of ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the hugs and love for all the support and interest so far you guys, I'm blown away <3  
> Next chapter Obi-Wan gets his first tattoos, get hyped! 
> 
> https://darksidepride.tumblr.com/

Thanks to their busy mission schedule it ended up being nearly a full year from when he first became Qui-Gon's Apprentice to finish translating the entire _Vad'Kaar_ datapad. It annoyed him that it had taken him so long, but as a result he was now fluent in both the written and spoken forms of Common and High Sith, much to his Master's delight. Apparently it had taken him nearly twice as long to be passable in them, and he was very pleased with his Apprentice's progress.

"Does this mean I can get my Apprentice tattoos now Master?" He asked excitedly, bouncing on his feet as Qui-Gon sat at the table and finished checking through his translation for errors one last time.

"It most certainly does." Qui-Gon laughed. "Can you show me which of the symbols you feel would be appropriate?"

Having anticipated this little test, Obi-Wan grinned and pulled a piece of flimsi out of a pile on his desk and handed it to his Master.

"The main one is _Anik'entsis Pr'tu_ , the Mark of Choosing. It's typically located on the face to show that the Apprentice will never turn away from the Sith, but considering the situation we're in that would be kind of impractical."

"You are correct on both counts Apprentice." The older man confirmed. "I came to a similar conclusion when I was planning my own tattoos."

"Your tattoo is on the inside of your bicep isn't it Master?"

Qui-Gon nodded, rolling the left sleeves of his tunics up to reveal the same mark as on the flimsi. It was clearly older than the others, a little shaky around the edges but still clearly recognisable.

"I did it myself while my Master was attending a particularly long Council meeting." He said with a smile. "I had spent ages researching and getting the supplies ready, and I still had no idea what I was doing. I've gotten better over the years of course, and for all the tattoos in places I can't reach myself I've found a few discrete artists around the Outer Rim who don't ask questions and let me supply my own ink."

Obi-Wan blinked, remembering. "That's right, there's special ink isn't there?" His nose scrunched up. "Does it really include pinchbug venom?"

This made Qui-Gon laugh. "It certainly does Apprentice, and the accounts of how much it hurts are not at all exaggerated. Part of the purpose of the _Vad'Kaar_ is to make you master your pain and let it be a source of strength, not fear."

"I'm not afraid Master." The boy said, stubborn to the last.

"Of course you're not." Qui-Gon replied, amused. "The ink I make is one I've developed myself over the years from the scattered notes I found on the subject. There's no one way to do it, and the way it's made is usually specific to each Lineage."

He paused, a small half-smile on his face. "I'll teach it to you."

Obi-Wan beamed. The idea of sharing something that secret and important with his Master felt very special indeed.

Qui-Gon looked to the side, clearly debating something with himself. He must have come to a decision though, because he turned back to his Apprentice and met his eyes with a serious expression. "What were your thoughts on the cremation tattoos Apprentice?"

The question surprised Obi-Wan. He'd read about the practice of incorporating the ash remains of important kills in victory tattoos, and had initially been rather horrified at how barbaric it sounded. However, the more he came to understand and appreciate the philosophy of _Vad'Kaar_ , he'd started to understand the meaning behind it.

"At first I thought it was kind if terrifying." He confessed slowly. "But after thinking it over I'm not adverse to the idea. Do you have any Master?"

Qui-Gon nodded in confirmation. "I do have some. A lot of the _Daren'shâsot_ glyphs on my chest contain a part of those I killed to complete my Trials. I've also got a few sigils on my back to honour fallen friends and comrades. Obviously it wasn't possible to save ashes from all of them, but I try to do so when I can."

Obi-Wan looked down, suddenly feeling a lot more sombre.

"It's the _Hâskitsu_ on your back isn't it?" He said softly. "That's your _Ja'Nevizkute_ litany."

His Master jerked away as his emotions flared so sharply in the Force that Obi-Wan felt lightheaded from it, close to drowning in a deep endless pain that wasn't his own. It only breached Qui-Gon's shields for a split second, but he could still feel the secondhand grief and shame echoing across their bond and down into his bones.

 _Ja'Nevizkute_. I have failed, utterly.

Qui-Gon's face was buried in his hands and he was shuddering with the force of the effort he was expending to keep his shields intact and not have half the Temple breaking down their door to investigate the source of the disturbance.

" _Zhol kash der_." He rasped, his voice catching in his throat.

Obi-Wan reached out and gently placed his hand on the silently shaking man's arm in wordless comfort. When he wasn't immediately shoved off, he made a decision and in a moment of boldness stood up and hugged his Master tightly to his chest. It took a few tense minutes, but eventually Qui-Gon's breathing evened out and he regained his control over his whirlwind emotions. Looking up at his Apprentice he gave him a small, rueful smile even as the yellow slowly bled out of his eyes and leaving that gentle, calming blue in it's wake.

"You really are a very kind boy Obi-Wan. Always trust in your compassion, it will do you credit."

He flushed and stepped back, suddenly shy. Qui-Gon didn't exactly confirm or deny his question, but at that point it was utterly unnecessary.

"Back on the topic of ash tattoos." Qui-Gon continued, clearing his throat. "The reason I bought it up was that as you know the Master traditionally receives a corresponding tattoo that shows that they've taken an Apprentice, and it is an option that we could use a small amount of ashes from each other in the ink. A suggested ritual involves hair and blood from each of us being burnt together and mixed with the ink, and then we would take turns tattooing each other."

Obi-Wan's jaw dropped. He had read the details of that particular ritual of course, and of all the various ways to complete the _Anik'entsis Pr'tu_ this was by far the most intimate. Not all Sith Master/Apprentice partnerships were on anywhere near the good terms they were with each other, but to suggest this was Qui-Gon clearly stating that he regarded their relationship to have the highest level of mutual care, respect and loyalty.

All of a sudden he wanted to cry.

He must have been speechless for too long because Qui-Gon started to look nervous. "Of course if you'd rather not I would completely understand--" He started to say.

"No!" Obi-Wan yelped. "I mean, yes. Yes please Master. That would be wonderful, thank you."

Qui-Gon seemed relieved, and it occurred to Obi-Wan that considering they'd gone into this as an Initiate that no one wanted and a Master who thought no one would want him, they really did fit together remarkably well.

"Of course if we did this, we shouldn't use the standard sigil." His Master continued, digging out a stylus to draw on the flimsi. "The _Algizen_ variation with the added protection glyphs would be more appropriate. What do you think, my Apprentice?"

"I think it's perfect Master." Obi-Wan beamed, still trying hard to blink the moisture out of his eyes. "But that means we should use the _Algizen_ for yours as well."

Chuckling to himself at the sincerity and enthusiasm in the boy's voice, Qui-Gon nodded graciously. "If you insist Obi-Wan. Now, do you have any thoughts on where they should go?"

Obi-Wan immediately pointed to where his upper chest joined his shoulder, drawing a line down from just above his left collar bone. "I think here Master. The _Anik'entsis Pr'tu_ is best if it's vertical, and to the side it will still leave space for my _Hyal Ashaatul_ when I begin my Trials." He didn't add that wanting to position it near his heart was in large part due to pure sentimentality, but he suspected that his Master knew what went unsaid anyway. He usually did.

"That sounds like a fine idea Obi-Wan." He said. "I think there's just enough space for mine over my right shoulder."

Obi-Wan was almost vibrating with excitement. "When can we do the ritual Master?"

"I want to do this properly." Qui-Gon mused, thinking aloud. "So we'll have to wait until we have some free time away from the Temple since we will need to access the Dark Side to perform the ritual in full. But after our next mission is complete, I'm sure we can find a spare day or so on our way back, or at least claim engine trouble caused us a small delay."

That seemed very practical and clever. Obi-Wan was always impressed by how thorough his Master was, but he supposed he couldn't have gone this long living as a Sith under the very noses of the Jedi High Council without being smart about it.

"There's also a couple of other tattoos I would like you to have Apprentice." Qui-Gon said. "The _Qokraujasen_ on your feet to show you have shed blood while walking the path of the Sith, and also something in place of Lineage markings. We don't belong to a specific clan or tradition, but we are still bound by our own specific shared philosophies of what it means to be Sith. With that in mind, I would like to share my own original sigils with you."

Obi-Wan nodded enthusiastically. "Yes my Master, I would be honoured."

"Then it is settled, my young Apprentice. The next chance we get you will begin your _Vad'Kaar_."

Obi-Wan wasn't sure who the joy singing through the training bond was coming from, but at that moment he didn't particularly care. Not even childhood daydreams of becoming a Jedi Knight had filled him with this all-encompassing sense of rightness, as if the Force itself was whispering encouragement to him.

He couldn't wait to take the next step in his training, especially if it made his Master this happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know ash tattoos are actually a thing? I saw an article on them a little while ago and just had to include them in this verse. More info here if you're as intrigued as I was: https://www.tattoodo.com/a/2015/03/memorial-tattoos-ashes-in-the-ink/
> 
>  
> 
> Sith Language Notes:
> 
> Anik'entsis Pr'tu - To choose the Sith through you. It declares the Apprentice's loyalty not only to the Sith but to their Master.
> 
> Hâskitsu - Literally, agony chain. Refers to an interlocking series of tattoos which are the names of the dead.
> 
> Ja'Nevizkute - I have failed. A declaration of failure and personal responsibility for that failure located along the spine. The fact that Qui-Gon's Hâskitsu is also his Ja'Nevizkute shows how the thing he values the highest is always his attachments, the people he cares about, not his pride or prowess as a warrior. This is one major way he and Dooku differed.
> 
> "Zhol kash der." - It is torment.
> 
> Algizen - Literally, to protect. Protection is a rare thing in Sith culture, rarely offered and rarely accepted.
> 
> Qokraujasen - Literally, way of blood. The word blood is used as a verb though, showing that it is a deliberate action.


	5. I'm running with the wolves tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for Obi-Wan to receive his first Sith ritual tattoos and affirm his commitment to his Master and the Sith. The ritual itself is more intense than he could have expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the first tattoo ritual! Long chapter is loooong, but it's really just one big scene and there was no way to cut it down so just enjoy.
> 
> Anything that is written inside these guys < > and in italics is in Sith, but as there isn't enough resources for me to translate longer, more complex passages without making shit up (which I prefer to not do) I've done the big spoken sections like this.
> 
> CW - One count of low-key ritual bloodletting, and what probably counts as very mild drug use by a minor (special Sith tattoo ink does not go gentle into that good night), but in reality is no worse than the good painkillers you get when you go to the dentist.
> 
> Also a general disclaimer re: tattoos, which is DON'T DO THEM YOURSELF or with a mentor/friend/master of the dark arts in a forest somewhere, even if it's for some kind of badass initiation ritual. This is the future where they have fancy medical technology, and also they're Sith which means they can use the Force to prevent things like infections because it's the Force and I say so. Even with this in mind I invented a pretend portable sterilizer thingy for them to use, because sharing needles is a dumb idea even if you're in space. Just don't do it kids.

Their next mission was refreshingly uneventful and finished up quicker than expected. It was also an unexpected relief that they ended up having nearly two standard weeks until they were expected at their following assignment and only a week of projected travel time. After some consideration they decided to take a detour to an sparsely populated moon a few systems over, and then continue on to their next destination as planned.

The night before they arrived Obi-Wan couldn't sleep, skin buzzing with anticipation.

Once they landed their shuttle in a quiet clearing surrounded by tall trees, Qui-Gon pulled out a bag he'd packed along with their standard travel gear and they set off. After a couple of hours hiking through the forest which hummed powerfully with the Living Force, they came to a wide, rocky ridge that overlooked a valley and Qui-Gon decided they'd stop.

Taking a large, thick bundle of woven red cloth out of the bag, Qui-Gon spread it out on the flat, sun-warmed rock and they removed their robes and boots before sitting down barefoot on it across from each other.

Once they were comfortable Qui-Gon began to unpack the rest of the bag, lining up a series of small jars, a bowl, measuring spoons, a delicately patterned ceramic plate, something around the size of a lightsaber hilt but rectangular wrapped in faded silk cloth, two small knives, and a small, primitive looking metal bowl with short legs which must function as a brazier. Looking closer, he could recognise the symbols etched into the sides from some of the Sith spellbooks in his Master's collection.

"Now I know you are familiar with the ritual from your studies." Qui-Gon said. "But before we begin did you have any further questions?"

Watching the jars being opened, their strangely coloured contents now on display, and set down around the small bowl which he knew was made of bone, Obi-Wan asked the only thing that came to mind.

"This is going to hurt, isn't it Master?"

Qui-Gon chuckled. "Yes it will Obi-Wan. The pinchbug venom is potent, and the powdered Hssiss scale…" He paused to tap one of the jars which held a deep green powder that glimmered faintly in the bright sunlight. "Let's just say it's a natural irritant, which is what encourages keloid formation during the scarring process and gives the _Vad'Kaar_ their slightly raised texture. Part of the challenge is to embrace and master your pain, and use it to deepen your connection to the Dark Side of the Force."

Obi-Wan nodded, pale but resolute. "I am prepared to face this challenge Master."

The older man smiled at him fondly. "Of course you are, my young Apprentice."

Placing a cone of incense on the small patterned plate, he set it off to one side and lit it with a small burst of Force Fire from his fingertips. The strong, sickly-sweet resin smell made him think of old shrines and temples, an association that only intensified as Qui-Gon began to mix the ink with all the slow, deliberate motions of well-practiced ritual. Throughout the process he was careful to show Obi-Wan how much of each ingredient he used as he worked, and explained the purpose of each one as the boy looked on intently.

When the thick black liquid was ready, they both began to remove their outer layers, belts and obis and outer tunics folded neatly to the side on top of their outer robes. Only their trousers and inner tunics, now loose and undone and a lot more comfortable as the sun had gotten higher overhead, were left on as they settled onto their knees to begin the ritual itself.

With a warm smile, Qui-Gon raised his right hand and began to speak in High Sith.

"< _I take you, Obi-Wan Kenobi, as my Sith Apprentice. I was named Darth Solus by my Master, Lord Tyrannus, and have earned the title of Lord. I have power and wisdom to offer you, and swear on my name and title to make you strong. No one else shall be your Master, and you will never again be kept in chains. I name you Darth Aurelian, and through the Force you are free._ >"

The weight of his Master's words settled over him like a warm robe, and he felt himself relax further into the comforting weight of the Force as it twisted around them.

Raising his own right hand, he made his own vow.

"< _I pledge myself to you Qui-Gon Jinn, my Lord Solus. I give myself completely to your teachings, your service and protection, and accept the name you have given me as my own. I swear on my name and title to never call anyone else Master but you. You have freed me to walk behind you on the path of the Sith, and I will never again be kept in chains. I am Darth Aurelian, and through the Force I am free._ >"

The Force was buzzing between them even more now, pleased and insistent and made of teeth.

He already knew the Dark Side was a less passive than the Light, but it wasn't until then he truly understood that while the Light would hold you safe and cherished in it's hold forever, only the Dark could get under your skin and love you so hard, so tight, and with absolutely no intention of letting go, that you'd crave it like oxygen.

At a hinted suggestion they moved as one and each picked up one of the thin, lethal looking knives and sheared off a section of hair, Qui-Gon cutting off a long lock from near the base of his neck, and Obi-Wan the short tuft of Padawan ponytail at the back of his head. They dropped the hair into the brazier sitting between them.

" _Krashen wonatul_." They said. Freely given.

Next they moved their knives to their non-saber hands, before making a shallow cut next to the thick, calloused flesh at the edge of their thumbs which they'd use to switch on their lightsabers, allowing a few drops of blood to drip into the brazier as well.

They met each other's eyes with a smile and repeated it again. " _Krashen wonatul_."

The scent of resin thick on their tongues, they put their knives down. Obi-Wan felt the rising pressure of his Master's emotions grow and build until his eyes burned with the power of the Dark Side. Unlike the red tinged yellow he got during battle or when enraged, this time they were a solid, blinding amber that looked like molten gold, as Force Lightning crackled from his fingertips to light the contents of the brazier.

As the blood and hair burned their training bond was opened wide and he could feel his Master's mind, just as possessive and wild as the Dark Side of the Force itself. He could feel the lingering echoes of guilt, the conflict he knew Qui-Gon still felt over being Sith and the way he'd unwittingly drawn Obi-Wan into his world. But it was overwhelmed for once by the magnitude of selfish satisfaction he felt at having Obi-Wan in his life and the protectiveness he felt for his Apprentice, like an aajwolf for it's cub.

Obi-Wan couldn't help but feel pride, deep veins of it running through him down to his core and shoring up the gaping wounds insecurity and rejection had left within him. He reflected on his joy at being chosen, the feeling of belonging, and decided it was the same gold as his Master's eyes, the same gold he'd been named for. He was held close and safe by the deep vortex of emotion running through them both like a conduit, and when Qui-Gon gave him a nod he let himself sink into a light, introspective meditation while the brazier burned.

He remembered the first time he'd felt this power, back on Bandomeer what felt like a lifetime ago. In some ways it was, he decided, because he knew he wasn't the same as he had been. That Obi-Wan hadn't had a Master who would kill for him, wasn't comforted by the knowledge that Qui-Gon Jinn had once torn someone's throat out with his bare hands to protect him on a mission gone wrong. The Obi-Wan who had been a Jedi Initiate had been desperate and scared, sure that he was destined to be more, and almost broken by the constant rejection he had faced from the people who should have believed in him the most.

Obi-Wan felt his anger rise, the old frustration at the unfairness and seemingly deliberate misunderstandings washed away by the tide of righteous fury.

How many Initiates had been abandoned by the Jedi over the countless centuries the Order had existed, just because they didn't fit some narrow definition of emotionless piety? How many scared, lost children had ended up on dangerous ships with dangerous people, being sent far away from the only home they'd ever known, and how many had gone thinking it was their own fault for not being good enough?

Choosing to become a Sith instead of accepting the fate decreed by the Council might be considered heresy by the standards of the Jedi, but it was also the first thing that Obi-Wan had ever truly done for himself. By deciding that he was worth more than what circumstance had thrown at him, and refusing to accept anything less, he really had broken his chains.

And just like it promised in the Sith Code, the Force had set him free.

Rising out of his meditation Obi-Wan opened his eyes, feeling the hot-cold burn in them which he knew meant they'd changed colour. Qui-Gon was watching him, his own eyes bright and fierce and proud.

"Are you ready, Darth Aurelian?" His Master asked with a knowing, predatory smile.

Obi-Wan grinned back, showing his own teeth. "Yes, my Lord Solus."

Tipping the ashes from the cooling brazier into the bowl of ink, Qui-Gon mixed it in and then unwrapped the small, silk-covered box. Inside the carved wooden box was the tattoo machine, a metal and plasteel cylinder that looked kind of like a particularly thick stylus. Obi-Wan had practiced with it back at the Temple on some scrap leather from an old belt, and had been surprised at how easy it was to use.

Picking up the tattoo machine Qui-Gon inserted two small needles into the tip, then carefully tipped some of the ink into the built-in reservoir and screwed the covering back on. He ran the small, handheld steribeam borrowed from their medkit over it, then passed it to Obi-Wan, who took it reverently and with a thrill of excitement.

This was it.

Sitting back comfortably, Qui-Gon pushed the loose fabric of his inner tunic over his right shoulder as Obi-Wan shuffled closer. Bracing his other hand on his Master's collarbone, he turned on the tattoo machine. He paused for a split second before it touched skin, feeling the vibrating buzz of the needles deep in the bones of his hand, and then his Master sent a pulse of encouragement across their bond and he knew he could do it.

There were no guiding lines to show him what to do, but he didn't need them. He'd spent so long looking at these marks, sketching them in his notes and tracing them in the air during particularly boring lectures on Jedi philosophy, that he could work without hesitation. His Master didn't move or even flinch as the sharp little needles pushed the viscous ink into his skin, though he could see a tightening around his eyes and his pupils dilating as he continued to work. Considering what Obi-Wan had read about just what this felt like he was very impressed.

A smile quirked his lips. His Master really was amazing.

The tattoo began to take shape, first the central interlocking diamonds, then the surrounding lines and glyphs. Obi-Wan knew the vows he had spoken, while still hanging in the air and weighing it down with intention, were nothing compared to the ones he was making now, from the ashes of his body and his blood. The fact that Qui-Gon was accepting and reciprocating those vows in turn was almost overwhelming.

He'd never known his family, like all Jedi children he'd been sent to the Temple as an infant and had no memory of the people who had given him life. But sitting here on this moon, breathing in the heady smell of incense and feeling the warmth of his Master's unshakeable, all-encompassing presence cradling him, he thought this must be what having a father felt like.

In what felt like no time at all he was done, and gently wiping off the excess ink and the few small drops of blood with a soft, clean cloth.

Pride surged though him again. It was perfect.

Qui-Gon was inspecting it as he took the tattoo machine back from Obi-Wan. Looking up at his Apprentice he gave him a warm smile. "You did very well Apprentice, thank you."

He beamed. "It was my honour Master."

With practiced hands Qui-Gon quickly disassembled the tattoo machine, running the steribeam over everything again before putting it back together, adding two new needles and refilling the ink reservoir. Obi-Wan settled back on the ground, crossing his legs to get comfy and taking some deep breaths as he pushed his inner tunic down his left arm and out of the way.

The first prick of the needles in his skin wasn't too intense, but it only took a few seconds for the sting of the venom to kick in. He hissed a breath in through his teeth. Force, they really hadn't been kidding.

"Keep your focus on the here and now Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon said over the buzz of the needles, his smooth movements never stopping. "You'll want to push away the pain and ignore it, but you mustn't. Be in the moment completely, let it wash through you. We are Sith, and above all else we know how to endure, even when others falter."

Obi-Wan sucked in a slow, deep breath, making sure not to move too much and disrupt his Master. His eyes were watery with acid tears, and his skin was burning, radiating out from his chest in spreading waves of pain as the machine vibrated against his bones. He could feel it in his blood, feel his quickening heartbeat pumping the venom through his body, knew it was going to get a lot worse before it got better, but he refused to be cowed.

He was Sith, he would conquer this. And then he'd be stronger than ever.

As his Master worked the scent of the incense got stronger until he was nearly gagging on the taste of resin and trees, and he realised his vision was sharpening, colours and shapes becoming more pronounced. He wasn't sure if it was adrenaline, an endorphin response, or if the ink was mildly psychoactive. Though he hoped if that was the case his Master might have said more than that it might have a strong effect on his senses.

He huffed. No matter, it wasn't relevant right now. This whole experience was special, a gift, and he refused to spend it worrying over particulars. He trusted his Master, that was enough for him.

Through the strange, dreamy lucidity he realised that the first tattoo, his _Anik'entsis Pr'tu_ , was done, and his Master was moving around to his back where they'd decided to put his main Lineage mark.

Obi-Wan had been really annoyed he couldn't proudly display them on his face or hands as was traditional, so they'd compromised and gone with the main sigil on the back of his neck and a small crescent moon on the inside of each wrist. The one on his neck was low enough to be covered by his tunics if they were worn formally or even if he was wearing them as loosely as Qui-Gon often wore his. Luckily, as the sigil was an original design based on a starbird, it wouldn't matter so much if they were seen by the Jedi.

Bowing his head to give Qui-Gon better access to his neck, he peeked inside the top of his tunic to look at his first tattoo. There was still extra ink smudged around it and the skin was reddening from the venom, but the lines were clear and even and perfect. Obi-Wan was definitely crying by now, and he couldn't have said if it was from the pain, or his gratitude to the Force for bringing him to his Master. Maybe it was the weird overtight feeling of his senses trying to push out of his skin, how he felt like an overflowing cup with too many inexplicable edges.

By the time Qui-Gon had come back around to his front to tattoo his wrists he was trying and failing to hide his tears with his sleeve.

He blinked, very slowly, feeling the energy of the forest around him vibrating like a kyber crystal. "I see why you went first Master." He mumbled into his elbow. "I don't think I could have drawn a straight line right now."

Qui-Gon laughed, and it felt like bells. "Do you remember why we are giving you moons on your wrists Apprentice?"

Obi-Wan squinted, sorting through his thoughts like they were loose pieces of flimsi. "In honour of the two moons of Tython, Ashla and Bogan."

"And why are they significant Apprentice?" Qui-Gon asked, clearly taking pity on him and giving him something else to think about aside from the fact his veins felt like they were trying to burn their way through his skin.

"It was the homeworld of the Je'daii before the Great Schism into Sith and Jedi." Obi-Wan replied, watching the small drops of blood as Qui-Gon coloured the thin sliver of moon on his left wrist with morbid fascination. "Ashla represented the Light Side of the Force so the moon on the right is just the outline. Bogan represented the Dark Side, so the moon on the left is solid black."

Qui-Gon nodded, pleased. "And why are they crescents?"

Obi-Wan smiled, head tilting back to look up at the wide, sunny sky and feeling the Dark Side curling around him. "Because we're hidden, unseen. The Light can't touch all that we are."

Through the burning that the venom was rapidly overtaking his entire body, he could feel his Master's deep satisfaction. And then finally it was time to tattoo his feet. He shuffled to get into position, his body feeling like it was moving underwater. Really, really hot water.

Qui-Gon's free hand settled on his arm, steadying him. "We're nearly there Obi-Wan." He said, picking up one of Obi-Wan's ankles to brace the sole of his Apprentice's foot against his knee. Leaning back on his hands and giving up hope of wiping away the tears running down his face, Obi-Wan focused on taking deep, even breaths.

"The _Qokraujasen_ is one of the more simple of the _Vad'Kaar_ , but also one of the most important to a Sith." Qui-Gon was saying, as he began to tattoo a long straight line that ran along the centre of his foot from high on his ankle down to the end of his metatarsals. "Just because we don't actively seek out bloodshed for the pleasure of it like some of our brethren, doesn't mean it is any less significant to us. It is a solemn duty and must never be done lightly, but as Sith we must never shy away from achieving our goals, regardless of who stands in our way."

Once the line was half as thick as his finger and came to a point on each end, Qui-Gon added the solid black circle at the end just above his toes. Together they represented a blade and a drop of blood.

"You must always be victorious Obi-Wan, at any cost." Qui-Gon growled fiercely, meeting his eyes to make sure he was paying attention. "A Sith without victory is a Sith without power, and a Sith without power is dead."

Obi-Wan nodded as Qui-Gon picked up his other foot. "Yes Master, I understand."

Floating on the waves of pain and exquisite Darkness it felt like no time at all had passed when Qui-Gon put down the tattoo machine and wiped over his completed tattoos with a cloth. Feeling lightheaded, Obi-Wan sat quietly as his Master opened a jar full of herbal smelling ointment and rubbed a small amount over all of their new tattoos.

He couldn't stop staring at all the new additions to his body, the black lines and shapes stark against his pale skin. He'd done it, he had his first _Vad'Kaar_.

He looked up at his Master, feeling so many things he couldn't even tell where one ended and another began. It was like he'd been broken down into so many small pieces, but he knew that Qui-Gon had held all of those pieces in his hands and put him back together even better than before. He felt full, like all his cracks had been filled in with golden light and now he was complete.

" _Ja'dekomtene rudazekts Solus'ari_." He whispered, not knowing the words in Basic to adequately thank his Master for everything he had given him.

Careful to avoid their fresh tattoos his Master drew him into his lap in a tight hug, the bright cold fire of his Force presence curled around him like another set of arms as Qui-Gon buried his face in his neck.

"No, my dear Apprentice." He sighed, and Obi-Wan could feel tears on his skin that weren't his own. " _Rudazekts woyunoks_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sith names ftw! They won't use them much outside of formal rituals, I didn't even intend for them to have them at all initially, but they insisted and here we are. Aurelian means 'gilded/golden', and is a very lovely name for Qui-Gon to give Obi-Wan. Solus means 'alone', because Dooku is a monumental dick.  
>  
> 
> Sith Language Notes:
> 
> "Krashen wonatul." - Freely given.
> 
> "Ja'dekomtene rudazekts Solus'ari." - "I will thank you forever Lord Solus."
> 
> "Rudazekts woyunoks." - "My thanks little one."


	6. War inside my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the Temple, Obi-Wan gets a reminder about how much he's changed and thinks about where his loyalties now lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit we passed 1K views and 100 kudos without me even realising, thank you guys so much! I am so sorry this chapter was so late, end of semester and life happened and ugghh. Also had some serious writers block about this chapter for some reason, though I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. 
> 
> Next update might actually be to start on the next work in this series which is a timejump forward to the beginning of TPM which I actually have soooo much written for, though thanks to my silly non-linear ADHD brain it's not being written chronologically. I'm going through now and trying to fill in the gaps, so bear with me.
> 
> As always, any scenarios or situations you really want to see let me know, I'm always open to suggestions for things to inflict on my poor, long-suffering darlings :p

The first time someone saw Obi-Wan's tattoos was an accident.

 

It was the first time in months that he and Qui-Gon were back in the Temple, and while the pressure of keeping his shields perfect was stressful it was still nice to see his friends again. It was when he was spending time with one of those friends, Bant, that it happened.

 

Coruscant didn't have much of a climate to speak of, and what it did was highly regulated by the environmental control satellites, but it still managed to be a hot day. Naturally they'd found their way to the Room of a Thousand Fountains after a grueling lesson in lightsaber combat, and were cooling off in a quiet corner near a small, deep pond that Bant liked. The Mon Cal teen was swimming lazy laps while they chatted absently about what they'd been up to and gossiping about their agemates, while Obi-Wan dangled his feet in the cool water and wondering what life would be like if all days were this simple and relaxing.

 

Suddenly, he felt cool wet skin on his bare feet and jolted with a yelp before falling on his back in the soft grass. Bant had swam close to him underwater while he'd been daydreaming and had stood up right in front of him, dragging his feet up with her. He was about to use the Force to playfully splash at her in revenge but then stopped short, suddenly frozen.

 

She was staring at the tattoos on his feet.

 

"When did you get these Obi?" She asked, big eyes blinking curiously as she held his foot up close to her face for a better look.

 

Yanking his feet away, he hurriedly shoved his wet feet back into his socks, ignoring how they immediately became wet through and doing his best to keep a tight grip on his shields.

 

"It's nothing Bant." He said, not looking up. "Just leave it."

 

She blinked at him, left eye focusing on him in surprise like it always did when he did something especially odd. "What's wrong Obi-Wan? It's just a question."

 

He wracked his brain, trying to think up something that would make her stop asking questions, before realising he already had the perfect excuse.

 

"It's from Melida/Daan." He said softly, looking away as if ashamed and letting a small wave of guilt and sadness slip out of his shields where she could feel it.

 

She winced, immediately pulling back, and he somehow managed to feel guilty and victorious at the same time.

 

"Do you want to talk about it Obi?" She finally asked.

 

He shook his head. "Thanks Bant but it's ok. Master Qui-Gon and I have meditated on it often, and I've released it to the Force. It was a lapse in judgement, but it's in the past now."

 

She smiled softly at him, and he made his excuses and scurried off as fast as he could without attracting disapproving looks from the Jedi he passed.

 

Halfway back to the rooms he shared with his Master, Obi-Wan groaned. He'd let his guard down. He'd let himself be lulled into the old sense of security he used to feel In the Temple and Bant had seen one of his _Vad'Kaar_. He briefly considered not telling Qui-Gon, but dismissed the idea right away. They were a team, they needed to be honest with each other.

 

Sith hells, his Master was going to be so angry.

 

By the time he made it back to their quarters he was nervously twisting his hands in the sleeves of his robe and about to be sick. His Master was sitting on the old couch, drinking tea and finishing up some reports for the Council.

 

As his Apprentice shuffled hesitantly into the room he raised an eyebrow. "Did something happen during your class Obi-Wan? I've been feeling your anxiety for the last twenty minutes."

 

Obi-Wan winced. "No, not exactly." He twisted his hands in his sleeves some more, trying to ignore his wet socks and growing sense of foreboding.

 

Qui-Gon took another sip of his tea, putting his datapad down and giving Obi-Wan his full attention. "Clearly something did Apprentice. And I think you want to tell me about it."

 

He nodded, looking down at his feet before taking a deep breathe and let it all out in a rush. "After we finished up in the salles Padawan Eerin and I went to the Room of a Thousand Fountains to cool off. She was swimming in one of the ponds and it was hot and I wasn't thinking and took my boots off so I could sit with my feet in the water and she saw my _Qokraujasen_ and I'm really sorry Master!"

 

Qui-Gon blinked then sighed, rubbing the bridge between his eyes with one hand while gesturing for him to take a seat next to him on the couch with the other. "Come sit down Apprentice, I'm not going to bite you."

 

Obi-Wan walked over and sat next to him on the couch, wallowing in his misery.

 

"Now, did she say anything about them Obi-Wan?"

 

He shook his head. "Not really Master. She just asked when I got them."

 

Qui-Gon nodded. "And what did you tell her?"

 

"I panicked and told her they were from Melida/Daan."

 

His Master stroked his beard, considering. "That was quick thinking Apprentice."

 

Thinking a bit more clearly now that his Master didn't seem to be upset with him, Obi- Wan had to admit to himself it had been a clever move to credit them to on his disastrous experience in the deadly, idealistic warzone that had been his third mission with his Master. Melida/Daan had indeed been a fiasco, though they'd played up the severity when reporting it to the Jedi Council to give Obi-Wan more time away from the Temple to work on his shielding.

 

"You're not mad at me, are you Master?" He asked quietly, eyes pleading.

 

Qui-Gon put a comforting arm over his shoulders and he felt himself relax without meaning too.

 

"I'm not angry Apprentice." The older man reassured him. "It was certainly a lapse in judgement, but it was an isolated incident with only one witness and you dealt with it well. What have you learned from this experience?"

 

"To never take my kriffing boots off around a Jedi." He grumbled, the fear passing and leaving frustrated anger with himself instead. How could he have been so careless?

 

Qui-Gon tugged on his padawan braid in admonishment. "Apprentice." He warned, voice hardening. "When I ask a question I expect a proper answer."

 

Obi-Wan bowed his head, still angry but regretting being so flippant about something this important. "My apologies Master, I was letting my emotions get the better of me. And to answer your question, I have learned that I can't let my guard down when in the Temple or around my old friends." His teeth clenched.  "No matter how much I might want to. I'm not a Jedi, and I might not be their enemy but they might be mine."

 

Qui-Gon nodded, lightly stroking Obi-Wan's hair until he felt some more of the tension in his shoulders relax. "A hard lesson to learn but an important one, my young Apprentice. While I will never insist on you giving up on your friends, the freedom to make your own choices about attachments is after all one of your rights as a Sith, you do need to accept that while your paths in life may align with theirs they can never join again, not entirely. A Sith Lord isn't an island, but they are a master of themselves, utterly. No one else is to blame, because it is by your choices and your will and your strength that you shape your own life. Do you understand Apprentice?"

 

He nodded quietly. "Yes Master, I understand."

 

Qui-Gon tugged his padawan braid again, softer and more affectionate this time. "Come, let's meditate. You have felt a lot of strong emotions today and they mustn't be wasted. I want you to practice exploring them while still maintaining your shielding."

 

Obi-Wan's jaw dropped. "You want me to do Sith meditation in the Jedi Temple?" He yelped.

 

Laughing as he stood up and headed over to the wide transparesteel window where their meditation cushions were set up, Qui-Gon shot him a smug smirk. "What else did you think I did while I was in-Temple Apprentice, meditate like a Jedi? I think not."

 

Settling down into full lotus he waved him over to join him. "Let me show you how to do Sith meditation that seems so placid and sanctimonious on the outside that it's even fooled Master Yoda. The trick is shield balance and not scowling like Mace Windu while you do it."

 

That made Obi-Wan giggle despite his crankiness, and after removing his damp boots and the lost cause that was his socks, he got up and went to join his Master.

 

Breathing in time with each other as the daylight started to fade and the never-ending lights of Coruscant began to glow outside their window, Obi-Wan reflected on the double-edged blade that was having attachments as a Sith.

 

Unlike the Jedi who forbid them because felt they were dangerous and could lure a Jedi to the Dark Side, for the Sith they were allowed, but only with the awareness of the risk they posed to you. The Old Sith had been afraid that they could in fact lure you back to the Light, though Obi-Wan felt that was a stupid thing to be worried about. He didn't have a lot of people he was that close too, but the few he did he knew he'd go to any lengths to protect. There was no way you could acknowledge that you'd kill for the people you loved without hesitation and still be a Jedi, and he knew it. 

 

Eyes cracking open to look at his tattooed feet where they were folded in his lap, he wondered what Bant would have said if she knew what they were really for, that it meant he was not only a heretic as far as the Jedi were concerned but that he'd taken lives in the name of that allegiance. He wondered if she'd still be his friend if she knew the Darkness that he'd welcomed in until it had made it's home in his heart, and the knowledge that she probably wouldn't made him feel cold.

 

Sitting across from his Master, who he noticed had quietly woven secondary shielding around him just in case his own fell while he meditated, Obi-Wan suddenly felt such a fierce, deep affection that for a moment he couldn't breathe. This man who had seen into him, accepted him, trusted him, let him into his world and supported him completely through everything. Yes, he'd definitely kill for his Master if he had to, would do anything if it meant it kept him safe and kept him free. 

 

His prescience flared for a split second at that thought, and somehow he knew that he would be in that position many times. That he would have to make hard choices to ensure he could still stay with his Master, and that it wouldn't be easy but that it would be as it should be. As inevitable as night following day, Qui-Gon Jinn would never stand without Obi-Wan Kenobi at his side for as long as he lived, and that made him beam with happiness even as he wondered just how far he'd go to protect his Master. Would he sacrifice innocents, or the Jedi, or even his friends?

 

He felt cold horror, imagining a situation where he had to choose between Bant and Qui-Gon. What happened if they'd been out on a mission with her and Tahl and they'd found out they were Sith and tried to arrest or even kill them, what would he do? He'd thought earlier that he'd do anything for his Master, and even with this terrifying new scenario playing in his mind he still wasn't entirely sure he didn't mean it. He wouldn't enjoy it, and he'd hate himself after if he had to hurt them, but he'd do it. 

 

Obi-Wan shuddered. Maybe the Dark Side really was turning into a monster.

 

But experiencing the burning warmth of his Master's Force presence surrounding him, sheltering him from the entire galaxy to give him the space he needed to work through everything he was thinking and feeling, he felt safer and more cared for than he remembered ever feeling in his life. There was nothing worth losing this connection for, this feeling of home, nothing.

 

Mind made up, he dove into the vicious, bittersweet ache in his chest that he was starting to suspect was love, and let it carry him away.

 


	7. Anima Libera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan learns that the hardest limitations to break are the ones we place on ourselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a while, sorry my dudes. I've been writing a bunch of Original Trilogy fic and it's been keeping me very busy. I've also just started NaNoWriMo so I'm novel writing like a fiend. Clearly the best way to start the month is spending the whole day completely redoing my novel outline, then getting distracted finishing up a new chapter for one of my fics, well done brain. 
> 
> Ironically I've got like over half of the TPM rewrite of this verse done, but since I can't write chronologically and most of the parts I haven't done is the beginning, I can't post it until I catch up with myself and fill in the gaps. In the meantime, while I'm chugging through that feel free to let me know if there's any scenarios you'd like to see Sith!Apprentice!Obi-Wan in because I'm coming to the end of the ideas I had going in and might finish it up to focus on the TPM era and then Anakin's Apprenticeship which I'm drafting out too.

They knelt down on the floor of the diplomatic suite they were occupying this week, facing each other as they had done a hundred times, a thousand times before, and just breathing in time with each other. Eventually, Qui-Gon's calm, steady voice began speaking.

"Today we will be meditating on the feeling of powerlessness, my young Apprentice. To be Sith is to embody power, to have the fortitude and self-determination to take what we want and what we deserve. But no one can appreciate power, truly understand it's value and importance, unless they know what it's like to not have it."

Qui-Gon closed his eyes, and Obi-Wan followed suit. "Now, I want you to breathe deeply but slowly, open yourself to the Force, and find the first moment you felt truly powerless."

They've been here before, and Obi-Wan let himself fall into the shared meditation like it was a warm bed.

It was taking a surprisingly long time to find the right moment. Initially he'd thought it would have been when he had been enslaved and forced to work on the Offworld mining rig on Bandomeer, when the Jedi Council had expelled him, or even the creeping horror of getting his mind wiped on Gala.

He truly had a ridiculous life to have had all of this awfulness happen by the time he was sixteen standard, come to think of it.

But several sessions in and they'd been unable to find the exact moment he needed. He knew the feeling, intimately, but when whenever he attempted to trace it back he found himself shying away from it. His Master was patient, but he knew that in order to progress Obi-Wan needed to confront this truth and conquer it, and had warned him that today they would be pushing harder than they had in the past.

"I want you to think about your capture on Bandomeer. How it felt when you were on the mining platform miles out to sea and all alone."

Obi-Wan kept breathing, in and out, as he remembered the smell of stale salty air and the feel of the heavy metal collar around his neck.

"No, I felt it then but that…that wasn't the first time I felt it. It was already familiar by then."

"So it was before Bandomeer."

"Yes Master."

Qui-Gon's voice was as calm and inevitable as gravity. "I want you to examine your memory of being expelled from the Jedi Order Apprentice. Standing in front of the Council as they refused you, exiled you from your home."

Obi-Wan felt his face twisting, feeling raw. This was arguably the worst day of his life, and this was the furthest back they'd been able to go before Obi-Wan would panic and automatically leave their meditation.

"How did it make you feel Apprentice, when they discarded you?" Qui-Gon asked, pushing mercilessly.

"Worthless Master."

"Do you resent the Jedi High Council for this?"

"Yes, but they're not..."

"They're not what made you feel hopeless."

"No Master."

"Concentrate harder."

He felt the pressure in his head building, the mental equivalent of Qui-Gon holding him by the back of his hair so he couldn't look away. The feeling was becoming stronger, and the closer he felt himself getting to that knotted up ball of shame and devastation the more he tried to recoil. But his Master was relentless.

"You felt abandoned didn't you Apprentice? Like there was nothing left but your failure. You felt hopeless."

"Yes Master." He sobbed, dimly aware that he was shaking but forced to keep his mind focused inwards on that dark, secret place he had avoided for so long.

"You will tell me what happened Apprentice."

"I can't - I can't tell you." Obi-Wan panted, dangerously close to hyperventilating.

"Why not Apprentice?"

" _Because it was all your fault!_ "

They both froze at his outburst, eyes snapping open to stare at each other in horror. Obi-Wan felt like his stomach was turning inside out.

Qui-Gon's face was stricken.

They'd both been so prepared for it to be so many things, had a veritable laundry list of people and situations which had done their utmost best to break him and had prepared accordingly.

But no.

Because the first moment in his entire life which most represented powerlessness to Obi-Wan Kenobi, was the first time Qui-Gon Jinn had refused to be his Master.

"I'm sorry." Obi-Wan whispered, voice cracking. "I didn't mean it, I didn't, I swear."

"Yes you did." Qui-Gon said quietly.

There was nothing else he could say to that, he had meant it. He hadn't even realised it, not consciously, but that didn't matter in the face of the truth and they both knew it.

"What did I do to you Obi-Wan?" He took a deep breath, refusing to meet Obi-Wan's eyes. "Was it when I turned you to the Dark Side?"

"What - no!" He cried, rapidly losing his cool. "That was one of the best things that have ever happened to me, don't you dare cheapen my decision to follow the path of the Sith, don't you dare!"

"Then _what did I do_?" Qui-Gon roared.

"You didn't want me!" Obi-Wan screamed back, lightning crackling over his skin. He buried his face in his hands to hide from the look of naked devastation on his Master's face.

"Because I wasn't good enough." He said into his hands. "Because I wanted to be a Padawan so badly and nothing I ever did was good enough for anyone. Because you were my last chance and you still said no. It wasn't even when the High Council didn't listen and expelled me, or when I was walking through the Temple to the docking bay in disgrace and everyone was staring."

He paused, feeling acid tears leaking down from his burning Sith-gold eyes, before continuing in a whisper. "It was knowing that someone had seen everything I had to offer and still found me lacking, and that it was enough to stop me from being the only thing I ever wanted to be. I realised then that my life wasn't my own, and that it never had been."

He refused to look up but could hear Qui-Gon stifle a sob. "Oh Force Obi-Wan."

"I'm sorry Master." He whimpered, hugging his knees to his chest and refusing to look at his Master.

"Don't you dare apologise to me Obi-Wan." He snarled. "Not for this."

Qui-Gon's shields were warping, the air around them growing cold. He was struck by sudden relief that they hadn't done this in the Jedi Temple, there was no way someone wouldn't have noticed the _slickblackwrong_ energy twisting through their air around them.

"Do…" Qui-Gon started to speak before clearing his throat and trying again. "Do you understand now why I refused you when you first asked? I had failed at training a Padawan once already, and I wasn't going to inflict this life on a child as it had been done to me. I never wanted anyone else to feel like this."

"You are the one who hates yourself Master, not me." He replied quietly. "I know the difference between what I am and what Master Dooku tried to make you into. Even if you or another Master had chosen me and trained me as a Jedi, I wouldn't have become the person I am. Honestly, I don't think I could have been happy, not like I am now anyway. The Dark Side is harsh, but through it I am free. I wouldn't trade that for anything."

"Obi-Wan, you can't tell me you're fine with how I have treated you in the past." He said in disbelief.

"I guess how I felt when you refused me, as awful as it was, it made me stop overthinking everything. As an Initiate I was too selfish, too attached to the idea of being a Jedi to actually be a Jedi. Once that wasn't an option I stopped trying to do what I thought was expected of me and I just got on with doing what I thought was best. It taught me to make my own choices." He shrugged. "And I chose you."

His Master was quiet for a moment, then smiled ruefully. "You really are growing into a very wise young man my Apprentice. When it comes down to it you aren't afraid to know yourself in your entirety, and because of that you will be an exceptional Sith Lord. I am very proud to be your Master."

Obi-Wan flushed. "Everything I am is a credit to your training, my Master."

Qui-Gon huffed a laugh. "Perhaps to a point, but even the finest artist can't make a masterpiece without a good canvas. You were built for this, more than I ever was. You will surpass me one day, as is proper."

"Well I certainly hope you don't expect me to follow the Rule of Two." He said dryly, raising an eyebrow. "I'm not going to kill you Master, no matter how nicely you ask me."

They laughed together softly, content in having weathered the storm together and come out of it stronger. "Let's certainly hope it never comes to that my young Apprentice."


	8. Warmer from worlds away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan has trouble controlling his Lightning, and it leads to both a discussion and scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit my dudes, finally finished this chapter which I've had sitting half-done in my drafts practically forever. My bad.
> 
> Never fear, despite the gaps I am still totally in love with and still actively writing this 'Verse, so even though life and health things keep getting in the way you will be getting more chapters to all three of the works in this series.
> 
> All my love to you crazy kids for sticking with me and enjoying this weirdly contemplative, philosophical ode to emotional literacy and ritual tattoos.

 

Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn were altogether remarkably even-tempered individuals, especially when you considered that one was an antisocial Sith Lord who spent most of his time dealing with corrupt politicians and the other was his hormonal, teenaged Sith Apprentice. It did mean however, that when they did fight, it was catastrophic. They still weren't allowed back to Mandalore, not after the last time.

This time they had been fighting about Qui-Gon's refusal of an invitation to join the Jedi Council, and were probably gearing up to another truly epic row before they were eventually interrupted by the fuming Obi-Wan losing control of his temper. Instead of his usual static and sparks however, a massive wave of Sith Lightning exploded violently out of his hands, narrowly missing Qui-Gon's head and instead taking out an environmental control panel and a nearby chair.

It was hard to say who was more surprised, Qui-Gon or Obi-Wan, and thankfully that and the sudden pain distracted him enough that the Lightning stopped. Smelling the stink of burnt flesh, Qui-Gon cursed and dragged his singed Apprentice to the fresher, shoved his hands under the sink and ran the cold water.

Obi-Wan hissed, wanting to cradle his stinging hands to his chest defensively but held in place by the firm grip of his Master. His fingertips were burned raw, the singed skin blackened and red where the Lightning had erupted without his control, burning the intricate swirls of Lichtenburg fractures up his hands and bursting the blood vessels under his blackened fingernails.

Still annoyed and now even more riled up because he was worried for his Apprentice's well-being as well, Qui-Gon fussed over him like an aggressive mother loth-cat. "Sith hells Apprentice, we're going to have to do something about your spontaneous Lightning before you short out a kriffing shuttle and fling us into a kriffing sun!"

Obi-Wan's jaw clenched and this time it wasn't just the pain. "I know Master. I don't mean for it to happen."

Qui-Gon's face softened slightly, but his voice was still firm as he started to clean the broken skin. "I know you don't, but this needs to be dealt with. Now. The stronger you get with the Dark Side the more it's happening, and we can't risk you getting annoyed during a Council debriefing and zapping Master Yoda. Emotional instability and tattoos can be explained away, up to a point. Force Lightning however is an exclusively Dark talent, and not generally one that Apprentice's can use at that, though you're apparently a natural."

"I didn't realise it was unusual." Obi-Wan huffed, the anger draining out of him, no longer relevant as he focused on the excruciating pain in his hands. "I just thought you had a better control over it since you were a Lord and had more discipline."

His Master shook his head. "You've noticed I'm sure that the Dark Side has a much different affect on the material world than the Light? It's probably a lot of the reason the philosophies of the Jedi and Sith evolved as they did to be honest. The Light is more passive, more focused on seeing and understanding what is around you. Beyond basic telekinesis and mind tricks, almost all the ways a Jedi uses the Force is grounded in observation and understanding, or in augmenting the Jedi's own physical and mental abilities."

The wounds finally cleaned to his satisfaction, Qui-Gon began to gently rub bacta cream into them and Obi-Wan had to bite back an entirely unbecoming whimper of relief at the cool, sickly-sweet goo soothing the burns.

"In contrast, the Dark Side is a lot more active, and we don't so much listen to the Force as we ask questions and demand that it answers. In this respect, beyond the basic arsenal of skills common to all Force users, we get things like Force Lightning and elemental kinesis. Fire, ice, lightning, air, water, even sand and rock can be affected by a Sith with enough strength and willpower, because we don't surrender to the physical universe but instead demand that it surrender to us."

Obi-Wan thought about his own propensity to generate static and electricity when he was angry, and how when his Master was upset or agitated the temperature dropped sometimes even to the point of ice crystals forming around him.

Ice and lightning, that really did sum up their individual personalities, didn't it?

"These are probably going to scar." Qui-Gon warned, rubbing the excess cream off his hands before starting to bandage up Obi-Wan's hands. "Even with bacta, these went deep and Force Lightning is very corrosive to everything it touches, living tissue especially."

Well that was a terrifying thing to learn after the fact. "Will I have full feeling and mobility once it heals up?"

His Master nodded. "You'll need to be very attentive during the recovery and slowly rebuild your full range of movement so as not to over-tax the damaged nerves as they repair themselves. It will not be pleasant, but this will be a good time to start work on the Sith version of a healing trance."

"Well that's something I guess." Obi-Wan sighed. "How are we going to explain this to the Council?"

Qui-Gon snorted. "Electrical panel malfunction, easy. They wouldn't know the difference between regular electrical burns and Lightning burns even if they were looking at it, the short-sighted kriffing idiots."

"I still think that being on the Council with those short-sighted kriffing idiots will give us access to information and contacts that could be useful in the future."

His Master just shook his head. "And I think that sitting there in that stuffy room every day debating nonsense policy and judging others for far milder heresies than I commit on a daily basis will drive me to a massacre within the year. It's too risky being in the Temple that much, we're better off out on the active mission roster."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "We're Sith, consolidating a strong power base should be a priority."

"Exactly, we're Sith. In a galaxy dominated by the Jedi. We don't have an Empire at our backs, we have to be cautious and in the shadows, not sitting in the Council chamber every day with a target on our backs. It wouldn't work Apprentice, not in the long term, not now."

Obi-Wan scowled. He knew his Master was right, but at the same time a part of him, the wilder part, was fuming at the lost opportunity to exert influence over the Jedi Order. "But they're so wrong." He said softly, staring at his bandaged hands as Qui-Gon packed away the medical supplies. "They're so wrong about so many things, and we could change it all, for the better."

"I know. But remember Apprentice, they're Jedi and we're not. Do we really have the right to tell them what to do and how to follow the Force?"

"They tell us what to do and how to follow the Force." He grumbled, flexing his hands and testing the range of movement. It hurt like hell, but it was manageable.

His Master just smirked. "And we ignore them entirely and do as we please. What does that tell you about how it'd be received? We can't have them questioning our motivations too closely Apprentice, surely you see that?"

He sighed in defeat. "I know."

Qui-Gon clasped his shoulder, warm and grounding. "Come Obi-Wan, let's meditate on our anger."

"Yes, my Master."


	9. Strangest in the game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan's first lightsaber crystal finally bleeds, and he gets an interesting history lesson.

It was bound to happen eventually, no lightsaber powered by an Ilum kyber crystal could be expected to hold up to the sustained use of Dark Side energy indefinitely. But nevertheless, the day Obi-Wan's crystal finally bled was still a shock.

"We'll have to report it to the Council as a lost saber." Qui-Gon sighed that evening in the shuttle as they ate their evening meal.

"I'm sorry Master." Obi-Wan said, still annoyed with himself. "I should have had more control over myself."

"On the contrary, it's nothing short of a minor miracle it last as long as it has. I had to replace mine when I was 14."

"You were also Apprenticed when you were 9, not nearly 13." Obi-Wan huffed.

His Master just smiled. "Our abillity to access the Force increases as we grow into adults Apprentice, not just the years we spend honing our skills."

"No wonder Master Yoda is such a formidable opponent then." He grumbled. "He's only a few cycles short of ancient."

Qui-Gon snorted into his rice.

"Were you aware Apprentice, that all Jedi lightsabers today are actually based on the design of Sith lightsabers from the era of the Old Republic?"

Obi-Wan's head perked up, curious despite his bad mood. "Were they really?"

"Of course." He nodded. "Protosabers were rather unstable, and they had to be connected by a cable to a bulky battery pack which limited their usefulness considerably. But the Sith, being of a much more _militant persuasion_ than their Jedi counterparts, put a lot of time into improving the efficiency of their blades and miniaturising the components so they could be self contained and wielded one-handed. Eventually some Jedi got their hands on the new Sith lightsaber models and reverse-engineered them, and the Jedi still use the same methods to build their lightsabers today."

"That's certainly something they skip over in saber class." Obi-Wan noted with wry amusement. "It's funny that they'll wholesale copy Sith technology, but the suggestion that the Dark Side is more than genocide and baby-eating is met with accusations of blasphemy."

"But of course." Qui-Gon noted dryly. "It isn't heresy if it happens to be useful."

Obi-Wan giggled into his bowl. "How terribly convenient."

They continued to eat in a companionable silence until Obi-Wan looked back up. "So what are we going to do about my crystal then, are we heading to Ilum?"

Qui-Gon shook his head. "Ilum crystals are completely unsuited for a user of the Dark Side, they will always end up bleeding eventually. Some other types of crystals are more resilient, synthetic crystals especially but we sadly have neither the knowledge nor the equipment at our disposal to create our own. If we go talk to the Temple Crystal Master when we get back we will hopefully find an old set that suits you. Maybe some Adegans, they're fairly robust. It was about time for you to build a new lightsaber anyway, you've had a growth spurt and the hilt was getting too small for you."

"It's just fine the way it is." He huffed petulantly, his Lightning-scarred fingertips stroking the battered hilt with fondness.

"I know you're attached to it, and your attachment is very understandable. You can still keep it in our quarters if you're feeling sentimental, but you are a Sith warrior and you need a suitable weapon that fits the young man you are growing into."

Obi-Wan smirked. "Yes, my Master."

Finished with his meal, Obi-Wan slumped back in his seat and ignited his lightsaber, sighing dreamily at the crimson, bloody glow of the plasma blade as it thrummed and screamed in his hand. "It's so pretty like this. I hate I can't just keep using it, it feels wonderful in the Force."

"You can feel can't you, the way it's screams sing in the Force?" Qui-Gon said with a smirk. "Ignoring the colour, that screaming of a corrupted kyber crystal which we find so appealing will make a Jedi sick to their stomach, which if we were facing them in battle would be a short-term advantage until they could manage to tune it out."

"I wish I could keep my crystal." He pouted. "I suppose I'm going to have to dispose of it aren't I?"

Qui-Gon's lips twitched. "Not exactly."

"Hmm?"

He grinned conspiratorially at his Apprentice. "Want to know a secret?"

Obi-Wan sat up straighter, switching his lightsaber off. "You know I do."

Qui-Gon unclipped his own lightsaber from his belt then held it in front of himself. Focusing in with the Force, it began to hover and opened like a flower to reveal it's inner workings. There was a small section in the base that didn't look like it did anything until he reached out with a finger and traced a glowing rune on it. It cracked open like an egg, revealing a humming, screaming, red lightsaber crystal.

Obi-Wan gasped. "Is that…"

"My first kyber crystal? Yes indeed it is. I couldn't bare to dispose of it once I made it bleed either, so I built a special section into the hilt of my new blade so I could keep it with me. It's warded with the same spells that I used to make the lockboxes in our quarters which hold my Sith library."

"Can you teach me how to do that? I'd love to keep mine with me too."

"Of course Apprentice." He paused, and looked up to meet Obi-Wan's eyes. "Since we're headed back to the Temple we might need to keep your crystal in there with mine for now until we can make an appropriately sized ward box fitted to your new saber. Is this acceptable to you?"

He beamed, a warm, contented feeling flooding through Obi-Wan at the idea of his and his Master's first crystals hidden away together in the dark. A Jedi's lightsaber was his life, his heart and soul, and in this respect at least the Sith were no different. Qui-Gon was asking to hold his Apprentice's soul in his hands and keep it safe and protected for him.

It was a silly question really, he'd had it since Obi-Wan was 12 years old.

"I would be honoured, my Master."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone mentioned they'd like to hear about lightsaber crystals and this was something I'd already wanted to write about so here ya go! Isn't lightsaber/kyber crystal history just so interesting? I'm not the biggest EU fan, but let's be real, the only decent info we have on Sith history comes from there.
> 
> There will probably be a follow-up where Obi-Wan builds a new lightsaber, and I can't decide what type of saber and what colour his new crystal would be! If you have some Strong Opinions about this (and I know y'all do, come on) then please let me know what you think! 
> 
> As always, my Star Wars/Sith tumblr is darksidepride.tumblr.com <3


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